hi, i love to live here where ever that is i like to swim when it's warm out and i like to play games with myself and friends. we usually don't talk much about serious stuff since that stuff makes me tired and sort of angry some times. i like to believe that everything i say is right since it seems to make sense to me. lots of what other people say is not right since to me it doesn’t make sense. yesterday i was by myself and enjoying a game of solitaire when the phone rang. i hate that the phone rings or maybe it's just how it rings, so loud and obnoxious like it is the most important thing. usually it's not usually it's just a man trying to sell something. i pity him for his lot in life but what can i do about it he is so far away so i hang up. today my best friend and i went to see a movie it was not very good and that makes me sad since so many people worked on it. i wonder if i will work on something this is bad? when i get big and have no rules will i be good or bad? Tomorrow i am not exactly here right now but i'm sure you get the idea. i don't really like to be the one who has to do that stuff that makes everyone else angry but i think i know that someone does. i just wish i could get a break it is thankless to say the least. later still not big but i wonder if i'm bad? i start to think so cause all i want to do is hurt and all i really feel is angry and no one likes me and i can see their case but still they don't know me, i'm sure i'd be a nice guy once i got to know me. i think a lot about the things that made me what i am and still i'm not sure if that just makes me a lazy fuck or what? it's the questions that frustrate me not the answers i am so desperate for some kind of reconciliation regarding what i've become i don't trust that anyone else could tell me and if they did it would probably be a lie for their own amusement, it's sad that I believe this about people but I do. so i could probably kill a person very easily if they gave me the excuse. i don't know if that make me evil or maybe just defensive and hurt. i think maybe the two are the same. what really makes a person evil except maybe the desire to destroy that which has what you want and yet cannot or will not do what you want. the stupid man that desires control often finds himself sad and lonely and ultimately evil or a bitter coward to say the least. this it seems to me not a choice but a position. like there are winners and losers in the world so there are all sorts of stupid blissful happy people and those who having learned some bit of truth recoil into the comforts of apathy and hedonism. i saw these options and tried my best to strive past them not as anything heroic rather i was just trying to do right. but in the end it came to nothing. i must face the fact that i am a loser a bitter tired illuminated loser who suffers the greatest fate since i am intelligent enough to hate myself for what i am. i don't pity myself anymore or maybe occasionally when the weight of this conclusion weighs too heavily on me. i try to be strong to use what i do have to demand what i want since kindness was impotent in this respect i have become more than just temperamental now i am simply mean. so the truth is this is how it will end for me . . .