Panache Magazine

If you don't know who Nick Deshais is, you are probably either agoraphobic or an amnesiac (if you don't know what these words mean, Nick would be ecstatic to tell you - he has most of the dictionary memorized). For you agoraphobes out there, Nick was the April 2000 employee of the month at Café 321 on 2nd and D Streets in Eureka. The name he was given at birth is Nicholas Maurice Roha Ruckle Not-Steve Deshais. Not much is known about his childhood, atleast not by me. In fact, the man is something of an enigma, yet he has a special place in the hearts and minds of the community. Is it deserved? Was it bought somehow? Countless cartoons about Nick grace the pages of the Café 321 scrapbook - or at least, I have never bothered to count them. His name has been injected twice into Audio Wreck's cover of a White Stripes song ("…Nick Deshais is so absurd/and I don't wanna be his toy/'cause he's pretty good-lookin'/for a girl…"). Just what is it about Nick Deshais that inspires so many works of art? True, he's pleasant almost to the point of absurdity, but it only makes me wonder what sort of devious thoughts are lurking beneath his placid exterior while he's eating the goo out of the bottom of a brownie pan.
I am mildly impressed by his skill at crossword puzzles, but only mildly. What good would this skill do in a post-apocalyptic world, or in the deserts of his beloved Arakis? He listens to NPR while he's working, so he's full of all sorts of factual tidbits and anecdotes. He informed me out of the blue today that humans and chimps are more closely related than rats and mice, and that coffee and chocolate are also closely related. How close, though? "Really close" was all that he could tell me, to my disappointment. His "Read Aloud" program has effectively forced unwanted reading material on dozens within the community.
Nick does make a mean cup of coffee, I'll give him that, but I recently watched him attempt to sell a muffin to an elderly customer by saying "It's not just a bran muffin, it's an atomic bran muffin - so there's going to be an explosion." Needless to say, the elderly man bought a scone instead. Then there's Nick's appearance.
My first impression was of some sort of neo-Beatnik, without the tight striped shirt and black beret. He does have the goatee, however. His self-imposed uniform includes a navy blue corduroy vest which is a tad too small for him, and a plethora of fantastically stunning "scarfs," as he calls them. He's good-looking, yes, but I wouldn't have sex with him.
What do the locals think about Nick? I went on a mission recently to find out. According to Café 321 regular Katherine, "his vest is so tight, it makes him look fat." Actually, I'm not sure if that's "tight" or "tight," "fat" or "phat." On a deeper level, Nick's coworker Darcy informed me that "by will alone he sets his mind in motion." Jerry Reese was quick to say, "I never trusted that guy. For all I know, he could have decaffeinated my friend's recaf and given him a half-caf. Don't laugh. He could do it to you." All that his roommate Darcy* had to say was "At noon the sleeper awakens." True, he is seldom seen out of doors before 5 PM. What does he dream about in the daylight hours, one can't help but wonder… And just what does Nick Deshais think of Nick Deshais? According to a sign he made to advertise himself as an attraction at Café 321, he is "pure and unadulterated."
What sort of value, if any, is there in acquiring a Nick Deshais of your own? I conclude, despite the bran muffin incident, that Nick does have a value - in the very thing which I have tried and failed to unravel herein - that is, his enigmatic nature. Oh, and he skips excellently. So go ahead, write a sonnet about him, paint a portrait of him with melted cheese…Just don't write a review of him, it's been done to death now.