Dear Michelle,

I just saw Panache for the first time and I loved it. I kind of have a band too and maybe when we put something together I'll send you a tape. (Know any bassists that like stuff like V.U., Patti Smith, PJ Harvey, Talking Heads, The Stooges, Sonic Youth, Crass, etc?) Anyway, after seeing that pro-GOP article I felt it neccessary to respond.
Jake Pickering

Banana Republicans

I would afford some modicum of respect for right-wing reactionary Republicans if they possessed the satisfactory spinal capicity to admit the fact that as part of the shortsighted minority (by 540,000 votes) to perforate paper for Illegitimate George - an idiotic buffoon with cocaine and alcohol induced brain damage to boot - they bear responsibility for this atrocious accident. Plainly, Little AWOL Georgie is the least qualified person ever to assume (or presume) the title of "president." When riding the rocky ribald road that will be the following four years, don't listen to what Banana Republican Bush apologists say - watch what they do.
For starters, whatever happened to the Ignorant Interloper's moronic mantra: "I'm a uniter, not a divider?" Resident Bush's Christian Coalition crackpots, utterly obsessed with their hatred for Clinton/Clinton/Gore - and obviously there's much more vitriolic venom in store from these mad dog "conservative" bores - considered installing George Wilkes Bush in office necessary more important than conducting a free and fair democratic presidential election open to every American citizen, regardless of their religion or race. The millenialist mob of fundamentalist fanatics, who spent the past eight years throwing stones from the imagined safety of their glass mansions at those whom they accuse of undermining traditional American values, have just aided and abetted the most anti-American action imaginable: the subversion and hijacking of our "democratic" republic by an unelected, dimwitted duo of drunkdriving Texas oil tycoons!
I don't buy this New World Order "Bushit." Call me oldfashioned if you must, but I prefer my presidents democratically elected; thank you very much. (Silly me, we thought this was a democracy!) After all, the reason for the Amercian Revolution WAS TO RID US OF THE MONARCHY. And, since those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, it looks as if it's high time to kick King George's arrogant ass out of the colonies yet again. But look at it this way: it will be one-helluva-lot-of-fun my friends!

Jake Pickering

Well, you may remember New Gingrich's infamous GOPAC vocabulary list with which Republican candidates labled everyone who dared to oppose their neo-Confederate agenda. And I'm sure you're well aware of our "president" and his prediliction for passing out nicknames. (And his predilection for passing out, for that matter!) Now, we present to you the "GOPACK" vocabulary list! (Sometimes you have to fight fire with....)

IGNORANT INTERLOPER
AFFABLE AIRHEAD
COCAINE COWBOY
DRUJNK DRIVING TEXAS OIL MAN
GEORGE WALKER TEXAS RANGER BUSH
HOUSTON HILLBILLY
HOUSTON HICK
DALLAS DECEIVER
DALLAS DIMWIT
AWOL GEORGIE
THE WACO KID
ATROCIOUS ACCIDENT
SCALIA'S CHOICE
O'CONNOR'S DISHONOR
TEXAS TYRANT
TEXACO TYRANT
BOB JONES BUSH
CURIOUS GEORGE
SPURIOUS GEORGE
ENRON'S BOY
DAN BURTON'S LOVE CHILD
ILLEGITIMATE GEORGE
SMIRK JERK
FRAT BRAT
SON-OF-A-BUSH
RESIDENT BUSH

 

Dearest Panache,

I am writing in response to the review of the "Three Heads" CD that Mr. Allen wrote. I disagree with his opinion of this fine recording. These guys could be the next "Creed," if only their rippin' sounds could escape the bowels of Humboldt County. I challenge Ben Allen to take down five phat bong loads and then dare to listen to the 2nd track "Johnny Football." I don't think he could even take it. His head would probably explode. And it don't get much deeper than the song "Feel me out." I almost cried the first time I heard that song man. And what an excellent production by Xeff Scolari. It's cristal-clear like pepsi, and I mean that like good. This producer should get what he deserves. The singer, Tough Boy sounds like a burlier Henry Rollins on "Get Out." Could I say anymore? This shit will tear you a new ass. Ben Allen, you are wrong bro. The Three Heads get two huge thumbs.
Thanks,
J. Larson
Arcata, CA

 

To: Panache

This is a messge to the band Magilicutty (Panache 2/24/01). Christianity + Rock = Oxymoron and that's exactly what they are... morons.
Love, Satan 666 Hell
P.S. I also agree that you should "get out of Humboldt County." This is a personal invite to come join me here in Hell to smoke weed and listen to Blink 182 forever.
P.S.S I'll be the special guest at Summerfest this year. -See you there.

 

What's That Smelll?!?

Tired of all that crap that you never hear about but then the cops shake you down and, who, some new ordinance has been passed and you're in violation? Wish your citizens elect would do what we elected them to do and wonder why they aren't doing it (What's in it for them???)? Have no fear. That's what I intend to find out. What's That Smell?!? is a new show that hopefully will see air time on cable access TV to cover just these issues and more.
So what's it going to be like? That's up to you, the viewing public. I need your help to get this baby flying. Got a story that you want to see aired? Send it in. Your face get in an argument with a billy club and you lost? Let's put your mug on celluloid (Well, video anyway). Got a humorous commentary? Come on in and let your voice be heard. Got a band that needs exposure? Let's jam (You better not suck). How do you get in touch with me? Well, first come alone. Then drop your information in the wastebasket in the bathroom at 321 Coffee on Mondays at Noon, then scram. But for real you can contact me at:

Michael Redd
2510 Donna Dr.
Eureka, CA 95503

Or call:
707-443-1262

Let's shake things up!!!

 

Dear Michelle,

Just in case Jensen Pinhead is in possession of any further pitiful pusillanimous praise for his pathetic plutorcratic party of petroleum powered pirates plundering mother earth's many ecological majesties, I submit this simple suggestion:
Let's Be Honest

Let's be honest with ourselves, shall we? We the People must deal with a dire dilemma. Only half of American citizens eligible to vote ever both to do so. And, of those, only half have the ability to think for themselves. Q: "Who in the hell voted for Boy George anyways?" A: "The stupid people did."
These are the same people who actually believe what they hear on the General Electric Evening News with Tom Brokaw and the Robin Hood-in-Reverse radio infomercial narrated by Rush "Liposuction" Limbaugh. These same gullible, uinformed individuals are the very same suckers who send their unfortunate children's college money to neo-Confederate con-artists like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. Yes, these are the same people who (along with the right-wing Felonious five of the U.S. Sumpreme Court) selected Drinky W. McDumbass as our next "president."
Now, we all know that President-in-Fact Sick Cheney is not about to let his fellow drunk-driving Texas oil man behind the Wheel-of-State for more than a test drive, as long as Big Dick's alive. So, as long as Sick Cheney refrains from matriculating to the sedentary sedimentary status of "Six-Feet-Under Cheney," we should be OK, right? Wrong!
Look at Sick Cheney's record for a second. He supported South African apartheid. He opposed Head Start. He is vehemently opposed to rapprochement between North and South Korea. Sick Cheney is a militant, imperialist hawk of the most incredibly vile sort. Until the time that he chose himself as Resident Bush's "second in command" (after having collected dirt on all of his Banana Republican competitors as chairman of the Cocaine Cowboy's vice presidential selection committee) he was CEO of the Texas oil conglomerate - Halliburton. This is a man who never saw a coast that he didn't desire to despoil with oil.
And Enron's Boy-in-The White House put Cheney in charge of the California energy "crisis"?
This fact alone is proof positive that George Wallace Bush is not merely a drunken dullard, his very erroneous residency is obscene in the extreme! But, if you believe things are bad now, just remember: Howdy Doody Bush is one more "cardiac event" away from the presidency. Then what?
Jake Pickering

 

Dear Panache,

This is in response to the "Going to the Zoo" article (about the Eureka Zoo) by Peter Agoston in the Feb. 24, 2001 issue of Panache. I have a few gripes. Why feature a story that has the sole purpose of slandering something that cannot defend itself? I have been to the Eureka Zoo many times and have found much enjoyment and learned a lot by being there. There is plenty to learn about and from these animals. Many are threatened and/ or endangered. Yes, often humans are the cause of these problems, but the zoo itself is not.
Nowhere in the article does it mention this zoo is FREE to the public. This fact suggests that there are probably a few individuals who voluntarily invest enormous amounts of difficult labor in the zoo's maintenance and care.
The mention of Bill, the 55 year old (born in 1914?) Chimpanzee, would have benefited from noting his past as a circus performing animal - a fact I find fascinating.
This article seemed to be more about you and your friend's sense of humor rather than about the zoo itself. This is a plea for more objective journalism.
A regular reader,
Denis Cullen
Arcata, CA

 

Michelle/Panache,

Hi. Hope all is well. GOSH! What can I say about the 'review' of our first album by Ben Allen?
Truthfully, I always knew we might get a really negative review sooner or later, but I feel I must tell you that I've never seen a More personally hateful one! And please understand that I refer to several reviews by Mr. Allen, and not just the one about our band. I really feel like asking "Did I run over this guys foot in a parking lot or something?"(judging from his writing throughout your magazine, Mr. Allen seems to have a bit of of problem, and it doesn't concern music.His use of profanity does nothing but bring the whole calibar of the magazine down) I would implore you to rely on your own writing skills for future reviews, as I think you would bring a rather deeper level of sophistication than I saw in some of those reviews. Venom never helps a local music scene much. Anyway, it was our first really bad 'review' so I guess I just felt I had to let you know. And we don't expect everyone to love us either. I do hope you will understand if I'd rather not have our second album reviewed. So that's all, and I wish you only the best with Panache.
Regards, B.P.

 

Dear BP,

I'd like to apologize personally to both of you since you were offended by the review by Ben.
The thing I'd like to bring into awareness here is that the opinions within each article or part of the magazine reflect solely on those of the writer. But regardless of that the thing about the Cd Reviews section is that it captures the opinions of one writer who chooses to embellish comedic aspects into the review both for the entertainment value and also so that his comments can be taken easily with a grain of salt. Most of the opinions so far expressed up to this date have been taken lightly until today.
I know from speaking with Ben that it was not meant to be a personal attack on your band. Simply his sense of humor in a lot of instances may be a bit harsh or rash for entertainment value. To be honest, when I'm reading most CD reviews I rarely read them in seriousness because if I want a valid opinion on music I think that hearing and judging it myself is best. In the past with opinions on the magazine I've often taken a negative review or comment as ammunition for the next issue. I've discovered that seeing something in another light, positive or negative, can lead to new ideas.
Also I wanted to mention, that if this is your first negative review, that's saying something in itself, that your music is pretty widely accepted and appreciated. So hats off to your band.
I hope that the two of you aren't disappointed or vexxed with the quality of Panache Magazine. I am interested in hearing more from the band as well as seeing you perform. I will do as you wish though and refrain from having your future CDs reviewed in upcoming issues.
I wish the two of you luck with the band and hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely, Michelle
Panache Magazine

 

Michelle,

Thanks bunches for the prompt reply ! Well, first, we certainly did not intend for you to feel badly. We are big boys and girls, and can take being called names. That's part of the business. You do not owe us any apologies! And we do of course realize you have nothing to do with whatever may be contributed. We know it's hard to find good people to contribute. (As you may or may not know, we tried to start some good things happening here in Humboldt ourselves, but gave up due to lack of interest or support. -Which is also why we have always asked people to give you all the support they can, as many of the local bands do not seem to realize that without you, they have zero-zilch-nada when it comes to promotion. Or gigs, for that matter.) So we can relate. But our point in even bringing it up was really this; You sound like a well-educated, thoughtful, and mature person when you write. Quite professional. The 'reviews' and articles we read by this other guy seem to be quite the opposite, though, and we really would hate to see Panache cater to nothing but the 15 year old woman-hating alcoholic crowd. As for humor, well, try as we might, we seem to have missed that in any of Mr Allens 'writing'. (Unless, the words "crap', shit', 'cock', 'bitch', and 'fuck' are supposed to be funny just by their excessive use.) Anyway, please don't be upset. We just were kind of blown away by the 'attitude' and language we saw repeatedly in this persons 'writing'. Again, we refer to the whole issue, not just our 'review'. We just feel that you can produce a higher-class publication than that. Finally, one last thing to clear up, the band is not something we do 'just for fun'. We are in fact putting everything we can into it, and have been for quite some time. (Just so you know.) But as was said before, we do have every confidence you will succeed in whatever you do Michelle, so keep on doing it, and we do wish you the best.
-Brett