You are about to delve into the untold story of a band with the purely noble intentions of destroying your ego and reckless vanity. They are spreading their manhood along with what they have deemed as "discombobulated noise pop" to the lonely souls of Humboldt County. Surfacing into visibility back in December of '99, Audio Wreck have been illuminating the local rock stages while spreading their universal enigma of love through bubbles, light shows, lollipops, and their ability to shock you. A New Year's Eve Comp Tape featuring their own parodies of hit songs was released last year and their song, St. Valentine, was featured on the Panache Comp CD. Through out the latter part of June and July, the band has leapt into extensive song recording for an upcoming CD release. The summer festival, North by Northwest, may also feature them on its bill as one of the bands representing Humboldt County up north. So peruse the following and keep in mind that life is merely our witty speculation.

Michelle: So let's start with Chris, and do a little intro. Who you are, what you do in the band, what we need to know about you.
Chris: Oh, I'm Chris Colland, what you need to know about me? Ok, well, I play standup drums in thee Audio Wreck and I sing.
Josh: I'm Josh Clark. I play guitar and I sing some too.
Nick: I'm Nick and I play bass in Audio Wreck.
Robb: I'm Robb and I play guitar.
Chris: Yeah! (applauds) This interview's smokin'. Woo! Excitement!
Michelle: Okay! Being the hated and most loved band in Humboldt County, from your perspective, why do you think that is?
Chris: You think we're the hated and most loved?
Michelle: (laughs) Well, I've heard various opinions about the band.
Chris: Like who has a bad opinion of us?
Michelle: Well, I'm the one asking questions right now.
Chris: No. No. In the interview I need to know. Through this interview, maybe we can tell the people how we're going to kick their asses.
Michelle: Ok, well to make this simple, I think you're actually one of the people who said that Audio Wreck was "the most hated and most loved band."
Chris: I said that? I was drunk, I was just kidding. Everyone loves us.
Nick: Hey you know Nick, Nick said we were his favorite band.
Chris: Hey! Don't name names in this interview. We're not name-droppers. No name-droppin'. Now what was the question?
Michelle: How do you feel about being the the most loved band in Humboldt?
Chris: It feels better than shit. I'd rather... I don't know. I don't know what you're getting at, Michelle. You're trying to start some shit. Panache Magazine has always just been a shit talkin' rag. I think it's funny how you're trying to get us to turn on the punk youth of Humboldt County and start throwing down stuff. We won't take Panache's bait.
Nick: Bait not taken.
Michelle: Ok, I see. So, would you say Audio Wreck has a number of perfectionists in it, though?
Chris: Yeah. No. I mean you've seen us play live.
Michelle: It's something I've noticed from observing the band members prior to a show.
Josh: You can strive for perfectionism, but never ever come close to achieving it.
Chris: Yeah. Yeah. We've become what we've feared the most. We're such intellectual perfectionists, we often just fall apart.
Michelle: A lot of Audio Wreck songs seem to touch a bitter sense of reality in the world, do you think people here relate to that? There seems to be some angst in the lyrics.
Chris: I don't know. You'd have to ask someone else about that.
Josh: The lyrics are very angst-ridden.
Nick: Very teen-angst.
Chris: I don't know. I don't get the question.
Michelle: Well, has anyone come up to you and commented on the lyrics saying that they related to that tone of emotion in your songs?
Chris: Oh. I don't know. We can just make this kind of an Oasis-like interview. Where every time we're asked a question I can just say, "Oh, I don't know." I can just go, "Balls." How bout when we don't want to answer a question we'll just go "balls!"
Nick: Bullocks!
Chris: Balls to that question, Michelle. But, hey, do you want to know about our early beginnings, about how we were? Josh can probably tell you about this. About how basically my dad was hanging around in Hamburg, England, back in 1962.
(laughter)
Chris: What?
Josh: Hamburg is in Germany!
Chris: Hamburg, Germany. Excuse me, Hamburger Germany. Check it out. My dad, I was still in my dad's balls at the time. John Lennon used to hang around, and he used to blow my dad. And I was in my dad's balls, kickin' around back then. And I was writing songs in my dad's balls. And John Lennon used to blow him, and he sucked the song-writing skills right out of my dad's balls.
Robb: He sucked you directly out of your father's balls.
Josh: So you were a major song-writing influence on John Lennon.
Chris: Yes. I was. Not only that, and see I'm about the same age as the guys in Oasis. Not many people know this, but before Audio Wreck I was in Oasis, sort of the early beginnings. See, I was like, "Man, these guys suck." See you go around and you wonder why Oasis sounds like The Beatles and why the Beatles sound like the Beatles. And basically if you listen to Audio Wreck, you'll know the real deal. I've been saving these songs up.
Robb: The Beatles are just a big mockery of Audio Wreck. We got it right.
Michelle: So in what ways have you urged audience participation?
Josh: Bubbles.
Chris: We've tried to start fights with them, we've called them every name in the book.
Robb: Interactive flashlight shows.
Chris: Yeah, the human light show.
Nick: We had a dance contest at one point.
Josh: (sighs) The usual things.
Robb: Man sounds.
Chris: See, this stuff is really typical to us. But to you, the typical normal people, you probably wouldn't get it. So don't even worry about it.
Robb: It's pretty heavy.
Chris: I wouldn't understand the Panache readers to really understand that. But, if they are real hip, they'll know what's up.
Michelle: (laughs) So do you think you've reached a somewhat intimate level with some people at shows?
Josh: Yeah, I've screwed a few.
Chris: Yeah, I've had a lot of boys come up to me and blow me at our shows.
Josh: They'll be stealing some of your skills.
Chris: A lot of the local bands like to give me blow jobs at our shows. They all want to suck off... you know.
Michelle: But, we won't name names right now. So if I was to photograph each of you in your own element, what would it be?
Josh: You could take a picture of me right now. (Gestures to the surrounding beer bottles, bar stools, The Alibi basically)
(laughter)
Robb: Mine would be minerals.
Chris: I'd be lying inside of a huge vagina, drunk.
Nick: I would be in a big room full of wires. A warehouse with bags and bags of speed, Garfield comics, telephones, answering machines.
Chris: All taken apart, and nothing works. Constantly trying to fix everything and nothing works.
Nick: I created a situation where you can turn on the toaster and the t.v. will come on.
Chris: And then your roof blows off or something.
Michelle: Ok, so what's been the greatest conflict at an Audio Wreck show so far?
Robb: The last Plaza Grill show probably.
Nick: (looks at Michelle) Are you getting at something?
Chris: What do you mean, what do you mean, Michelle? Your magazine is so vague, Michelle. So vague.
Michelle: Because it's the "Vogue of Humboldt County," as Ass Rash calls it.
Chris: They should call it Vague.You're so artsy, Michelle. I want to take this time to tell the Panache readers that Michelle is artsy as fuck.
Nick: The Six Rivers Brewery show probably.
Robb: What? The most conflict at that one?
Nick: Yeah.
Chris: No one kicked our ass. There were a lot of boys fighting over who was going to get the chance to blow us. That probably would have been the biggest conflict.
Nick: Chris instructed the audience to blow their neighbor. "Turn to the left and blow your neighbor."
Michelle: (laughs) So what would you want the audience to say after you play, what would be the ideal words to come rolling off their tongues?
Chris: Balls! "Sleep with them and give them a lot of money."
Michelle: Will you ever reach the level of the reign of Poison and their groupie sex?
Chris: I think we're doing exactly what Poison does. We probably have as many fans and groupies as Poison does right now. Right now exactly. We're probably getting laid about as many times as Poison is right now. Just bring it up to present day. You've got it all figured out.
Nick: I read somewhere that Poison was mentored by Skid Row.
Chris: Balls.
Michelle: Ok, in the song "St. Valentine," what would be your idea of how the main character, St. Valentine, would be depicted physically? What would be your visual image of him?
Chris: See, that's the open gate. (pause) He would look like Morrissey, but after Morrissey's boyfriend beat the fuck out of him. You know his boyfriend is a boxer. So he's kind of going, "Oh, you're so drab and so typical." And then his boyfriend is going, "You know Morrissey, I'm a gay big boxer and I'll kick your ass." That's kind of what this character of St. Valentine would look like. But also, you'd have to keep him up on doing amphetamines and lots of alcohol. Lots of meat and watching AgDay at five in the morning. He'd be so punched drunk and beaten up. You would imagine that he is walking down the road of life with..
Nick: The most beautiful.
Chris: Yeah, with the most beautiful. But in reality it wouldn't be anyone at all.
(At this point a waitress comes bringing free beers for the table)
Chris: Oh! See you have got to add this in. Free beers! See when you're in thee Audio Wreck they just come up to you and give you free alcohol. Free alcohol, see. Mmm.
(Nick gets a baby beer given to him)
Josh: Oh, a cute little Bud.
Michelle: Do you think Audio Wreck is misinterpreted in any way? Is what we see on stage pretty much the real band?
Chris: The people will probably never understand the pure brilliance of us.
Josh: It depends on whether you mean musically or personality wise?
Chris: Them as mere mortals can't take in all the shit that we're shooting out at them.
Nick: All the regular people.
Chris: We just like to humor them and sit there and go "hahaha." It's so great that sometimes they just go, "we hate these guys, they are terrible." They just don't know what to do, it's rejection of all the beauty and brilliance. Ask Josh, he knows more about it than I do. He's the real brains in the band.
Chris: Do you think the music Audio Wreck plays actually sums up your personal tastes?
Josh: No.
Nick: Dude, I have something I want to get out. (a long pause) I like Jawbreaker.
Chris: A confession, dude.
Nick: I like Jawbreaker.
Chris: Dude. Cancel that out of the interview, I don't want people getting the wrong interpretation of our band. Lord knows.
(a brief silence)
Josh: Let's just say we all listen to all kinds of different things.
Chris: We're total buddies, we get along, we hang out all the time.
Josh: The music that we play probably doesn't sound like anything we pretty much listen to.
Chris: We sit around and listen to records all the time, we like everything together.
Josh: I listen to 105.5 all the time.
Chris: We listen to top 40 music. Josh too.
Michelle: So if Audio Wreck were to make a video...
Chris: (breaks in and exclaims) Man, you're really smart! Are you just rolling these off the top of your head? Michelle, you're really smart, I want to put that in here.
Melody: Well, she has a note sheet that she's been looking at.
Chris: No way! It's like she's been cheating in math class! Oh, I thought you were just brilliant.
Michelle: No, I've been using this one sheet of paper for notes from time to time.
Chris: You obviously can't walk hand in hand with the Audio Wreck.
Michelle: Yeah, I can't follow in your brilliant footsteps. Oh, I forgot what I said now.
Robb: The video.
Chris: Hey Michelle, In this interview you should just take a sip of beer, because everybody knows that you don't drink.
Michelle: For the record, eh?
(I sip a beer taken out of Chris' grasp, it sloshes)
Chris: Oh, she spit it all over her face, too! Don't forget about that. Michelle threw up the beer all over the place.
Melody: And then you just passed out.
Nick: Michelle blacked out.
Chris: Yeah, she's crawling on the floor right now.
Michelle: So anything I say from this point on basically contradicts that observation. Anyway, ok, so what would be in an Audio Wreck video?
Robb: If we had a video, what would it entail? Big giant asses.
Josh: I'd want to have girls standing on them dancing.
Robb: Orange ones.
Nick: It'd be bouncing orange asses.
Chris: It'd be us walking down the street, and hella mini-trucker dudes cruising really slow at the back of us. Chicks just drinking on top of them. It would be us walking around. If you know what we look like, we're not the most physically.. how would you say this...
Nick: We're not the burliest.
Chris: Yeah. We're not the burliest lookin' guys you've ever seen. We'd be walking in a big parade that would be reminiscent of the late 80s and early 90s kind of thing with mini-trucks and big trucks with lights shining.
Robb; Like the Pat Benatar video.
Chris: Yeah, with all the hooker love. Mini-truckers and hoochies. And big ugly white men.
Nick: Mullets.
Chris: Hella mullets. Hella buff! Yeah. And they'd be punching in the air to our music. They'd be going "yeah!" And then there would be us, just skinny and ugly and funny looking, just walking along.
Josh: Well, that's not my vision.
Chris: What's your vision, Josh?
Josh: I was thinking of the Sir Mix A Lot video.
Nick: The Baby Got Back one?
Josh: Instead though, it would be guys.
Robb: Guys' asses growing.
(Baby Got Back lyrics bust out)
Michelle: (laughs) So would a symbol of Audio Wreck be a big butt?
Chris: No, I think the thing that you're really mistaking here is that Audio Wreck is a really serious band,and we demand to be taken seriously. I think it's funny that you're crass little crappy magazine is trying to make fun of us.
Robb: Dude.
Nick: Actually Audio Wreck is the symbol, we don't need any other symbol.
Chris: You're lucky that we're even talking to you, Michelle.
Michelle: You realize that I can edit this on my own free will, Chris.
Chris: See, exactly. We'll print our own interview. We'll turn around and put all these answers as Michelle's.
Josh: We'll all do reviews.
Nick: After you deliver all the magazines, we'll go around and slip a page in.
Chris: Panache cannot fuck with us. We'll expose your whole little scam.
Michelle: What would that scam be?
Chris: You want me to expose it in your own magazine?
Michelle: You're going to do it anyway, might save you the trouble.
Chris: Let's be friends.
Michelle: I thought I wasn't on the same wave-length as Audio Wreck, though.
Chris: As long as you conform to us, then you'll be ok. It's like anything else. So come on.
(I glance down at my watch it reads 8:55)
Chris: Hey, don't look at your watch when you're talking to thee Audio Wreck.
Michelle: The show's about to start in five or so minutes.
Chris: Hey, the show doesn't start till we appear. (Note: Audio Wreck were playing third) You can't wreck the Wreck.
Michelle: What would it take to sabotage the Audio Wreck?
Chris: If you really hate us, then love us.
Michelle: Anything else that needs to be said?
Chris: I've got to say that this interview is so stale, dude. I feel like this is a stale interview.
Michelle: So what would spruce it up? Make it "fresh"?
Chris: I wanted you to freak out and start throwing shit. I wanted you to crap in your hand and huck it at us. (laughter) I wanted something really real.
Nick: It would be so real if she would crap in her hand and huck it at us?
(laughter)
Chris: I feel like we were in the "O Room" in highschool.
Nick: The O room?
Chris: That's where you get sent when you get fucking kicked out of class, dummy. Didn't you ever get kicked out of class?
Robb: Did you ride the short bus, Chris?
Nick: The O room, though?
Chris: Whatever, jerk. We should end this interview now. There's your stupid fuckin' interview.